Oh was it a moment to see Ted Cruz deliver the grandest of sucker punches to the Radicalized Republican Nominee, aka Trump. Even more delicious was it proved to Paul Ryan, that at least one man in the Republican Party still had his balls. Many agree Ted Cruz is a slime ball, but he gets kudos for this move.
Dear Santa Claus,
I have a special request for Christmas; I need a pair of human hands for just a day. You
See, my parents bought me a new collar that at first glance I fell in love with. As the picture shows, it came with what I thought was a friendly robot right out of StarTrek. Beautiful round eyes, fat blue nose and a sunbeam of a smile. But, behind that beautiful facade resides the evilest of enemies. It zaps me in the throat every time I bark. That remarkable blue nose is a button my parents push to turn it on to zap me. The beautiful eyes are lights; that flashes ten times to signal it is on and to blink as my parents increase the level of pain I am zapped with.
So you ask why do I need a pair of human hands?
For the following reasons:
- I need at least three long spindly human fingers to pinch the clasp to take it off.
- I need a pair of hands to put it on one of my parents and to tie both of them up while they sleep.
- I need hands to hold the face of the robot while I hold its nose down for 4 seconds to turn it on.
- I need at least two fingers to hold a pin as I prick the toes of the parent I put the collar on to make them scream, so they get zapped.
- I need at least one finger to call 911so that I can be rescued after I complete 1 through 4.
Also, since you have ties to the retail world if you could eliminate all products that prevent barking, my friends and I would appreciate it.
Thank you Santa, and say Hi to Rudolph for me.
I sent Santa a letter to advocate for you, but if your request is denied don’t forget the bark collar doesn’t prevent you from delivering a bite in the ass!
The company Holiday Party is coming up and with it the annual debate. Should you go? Avoid? The answer is you need to go, but with a strategy in place for your ultimate Holiday season survival. Going without a plan opens the door to an epic fail of a lifetime.
When the source of your 15 minutes of fame comes from your work Holiday Party, in reality it is more like 15 or more years of fame. The story of your party downfall is added to your predecessors from Holiday Party’s of the past until it gets so exaggerated people are wondering if your story is myth or legend.
To survive the Holiday Party season, follow the A, B, C’s –
A for Ass Kissing
B for Buddy System
C for Code System
A. Make a list of the ass’s you need to kiss — this is the number one reason for going to the company Holiday Party after all. Do extensive research on each ass you have selected so that you can converse in a manner that engages and impresses them at the party. This is your time to shine in front of the top brass, so bring your “A” game.
B. Critical objective, line up a hot date, someone you have known for a long time and trust not to humiliate you in public. Your date is the key to your survival of the night. They are there not just to impress that you could actually land a hot date, but also be your babysitter. Epic party failure always comes on the heels of alcohol; they need to keep you away from the free flowing alcohol.
You say, “But, I am married, and my spouse always gets toasted when free alcohol is around.” Stay home! Better to miss the party then face the years of embarrassing re-telling of the stories of how your wife had her dress tucked in her underwear, or made a pass at your boss, or told everyone what you are really hiding in your boxer shorts.
If you go without your spouse, the temptation to let loose will be high for you, and put you in the danger zone. So safer to say someone in the family died, and you couldn’t make it then to go.
But there are those parties that your boss makes you feel that you “must” go or else. In this case, try bribery to keep your spouse in line for the entire length of the party.
C. Set up a code word with your date, to get out of conversing with the company pariah when he/she cozies up between you two. A good one would be, “Bathroom.” As in “Honey lets find the bathroom.” Develop a code system to alert your date of other fellow employees you don’t want to be seen talking to i.e. the office nymph, the office gossip, the brown-noser extraordinaire. I usually just pick two names, Bob, and Buffy. When I see a “Bob” or a “Buffy,” just nod my head towards them and whisper to my date that Bob is on the loose.
Now you ask, but what could really go wrong? Can’t I just have two drinks? One drink leads to three or more and a boat load of trouble. Each year the Holiday Party is the number one reason for AA members to lose out on the coin they were working towards. The struggle is definitely real; the temptation to let loose at the Holiday Party is intense for all. An interesting, fun fact, is the person who becomes the gossip of the year, is always the very last person you would think it would happen to. If you are feeling mentally stressed, have personal issues going on, you are at risk of going over the deep end. Which is another reason the buddy system is critical to your survival. I can recall a year when the companies top salesman, a Jehovah Witness, who doesn’t celebrate Christmas, or drink alcohol for religious reasons decided to attend the party because awards were being presented and he wanted to receive his along with everyone else. What we all didn’t know at the time, was that he was in bad mental shape as his wife had just left him. A month before the party she had hit her head when they were out walking, and it had apparently injured her brain. The girl that had worshiped the ground he walked on decided she no longer loved him and wanted out. During the party the guy who never drank, who was as serious and conservative as a thumbtack, got tanked. Next think we knew he was doing solo dances on the dance floor with balloons.
If your company is doing an overnight Holiday Party at a Hotel or a home with hot tub, DO NOT GO IN THE HOT TUB. That is truly where all hell breaks loose, and you can’t keep away from the endless bottles of beer going around. Bad, bad things happen if you get in the hot tub. I still have nightmares over a Christmas Party 6 years ago, where the top employees were invited to a resort for the weekend. It was just one overnight, but we were all lucky to still be employed the next morning. Luckily I didn’t do any drinking; it left me able to do all the rescue and cover up work. It was a long, long, night. It started with three of us Directors going for a walk after the evening’s celebration. We found a hot tub outside, and one of the staff showed up a few minutes after us. He happened to be a very hot guy and also the direct report of one of my fellow Directors who had been imbibing freely all night long. In the blink of an eye, the two of them were naked and in the hot tub. I was desperately trying to get my friend out of the hot tub before someone (like our boss) showed up to no avail. I turned to get her clothes to help coax her back into them and found that our other Director had scooped up both sets of clothing and was running up the trail with them. I had no choice but to chase after a 55-year-old who was revisiting kindergarten to get the clothes back. After numerous runs around the hotel, I finally found her and got a confession out of her. I retrieved the clothes that she had hidden under a car in the parking lot and headed back to the hot tub. I finally convinced my friend to get out, got a towel on her and dressed her in the bushes and then back to her room. The next morning I had to get to the guy and beg him not to say anything to anyone, ever. His boss didn’t sleep for months worrying that he was going to rat her out. Needless to say, his performance reviews were “excellent” for years afterward.
What else can go bad after a couple of beers you ask? How about a simple game of Darts? Men will be men, and somehow beer and darts and end up with a live target board at some point. If you are drinking and don’t have a buddy system in place, it is a guaranteed you will become the human dart board.
How about foot-in-mouth disease? You down a couple drinks, land in front of your boss saying a few choice things you have been longing to say all year, but haven’t because your common sense when you are sober has prevented you. The rest of the weekend is spent wondering if you still have a job on Monday.
And last but not least in Holiday Party drinking gone bad, is the Love Confession usually unleashed by the female party goer. It can come out one of two ways, as a long-winded diatribe of unrequited love, or a slobbering profession of love that lets everyone know not only of her crush but in that it is so detailed it proves the company has a bonafide stalker.
LinkedIn – 8 Second Litmus Test. Is It Helping or Hurting Your Career to be part of this 400 million online membership?
LinkedIn started out in 2002 as a social network for work professionals to connect for job and business opportunities, to share research, resources and form groups for sharing ideas. If it had held to its original premise, it would be a database that would be an invaluable resource for professional collaboration.
I recently attended a 4-hour seminar presented by a “Social Media” consultant firm that unfortunately left me thinking LinkedIn was a membership I should deny myself access to for the following reasons:
1. The concept recruiters and social media experts were selling that you cannot get a professional job unless you have a LinkedIn profile, and your profile has 8 seconds or less to impress and must include your picture, or you will be immediately deemed as unworthy of their attention.
LinkedIn has become an 8-second litmus test. According to recruiters, you will be considered “a person that can’t be trusted” if you do not include your picture in your profile. It is assumed you “must be” hiding something not to include your picture, not that you are concerned about identity theft or being catfished. Security and privacy issues are a valid concern, especially since LinkedIn has been hacked before putting millions at risk. Your LinkedIn profile includes so much information about you that it is like hitting pay dirt to identity thieves. The only missing item is your social security number, which is not a problem because they will be able to ferret it out eventually by using all the other information they now have access to. How many of your “connections” have access to your social security number and could be tricked into releasing information? But, social media proponents of LinkedIn are asking you to overlook the risks to provide them with the ability to judge you in 8 seconds or less.
2.The belief by members of LinkedIn that you are not a viable person unless you have 500+ connections on LinkedIn.
The original intention of LinkedIn was that when you sent an invite to “connect” with another person it was because you knew them and the caliber of their work and believed they knew yours and, therefore, were giving them your endorsement in the form of an invite. A person would not accept your invite if they did not endorse your work. It was perceived as a mechanism to keep the database an honest source for recommendations. What it has turned into is a popularity contest. To say you are “not viable” if you don’t have 500+ connections is asking you to lie by invite. How many of us have worked with over 500 people and have in-depth knowledge of their skills to give them a valid endorsement?
3.The understanding that albeit unintentionally, LinkedIn is taking your freedom of speech away from you due to employers and recruiters wanting access to your Facebook and Twitter posts once they find you on LinkedIn.
Per this consultant firm, it was imperative that you have a Facebook and Twitter account and that you had posts that were available to the public. One consultant was adamant that recruiters would never hire someone that did not have these social media accounts, with posts published to the public. They are looking for signs of your “true” personality i.e. if you are a drama queen, aggressive with your political beliefs, overtly religious, the next office gossip and so on.
The consultant outlined it like this:
LinkedIn is for professional use
Facebook is for friends and family use
Twitter is like a great big office party
The problem is LinkedIn is acting like Big Brother over Facebook and Twitter, stripping you of your freedom to be your authentic self. Imagine having to craft carefully your posts to family and friends, so that an employer or recruiter would not take things you say out of context. How many times has someone at work misunderstood your tone in an email, at no fault of your own? Picture an employer doing the same with your posts, as that is what will happen. Facebook was intended as a social media meet up for friends and family and it feels like the fun of it is being sucked completely out of it. We all know that anything you post on the internet is at risk of becoming public record, so you know what not to post. You don’t post the hysterically funny pictures of you drunk at New Year’s, and for the love of God limit your break-ups to a text war, don’t take it to Facebook. You shouldn’t have to be concerned about posting a funny video you know your crazy Aunt would love to see, but could offend a bible thumping recruiter.
I was amazed there was not a mention of Instagram, which of all types of social media is the one that shows your true personality. The instant gratification of a selfie has been costly for many on a personal front. Imagine employers and recruiters seeing your Instagram shot before you sobered up to delete it.
The fact that people were being judged by their picture and Facebook and Twitter posts over their skills and education was the last straw for me. It felt like I was being asked to join a narcissistic, judgmental community. One of the consultants at this seminar made the mind-blowing statement that he “couldn’t care less about job skills, those he could teach”, he was most concerned about their picture and passing judgement on their Tweets and Facebook postings. That was my “wow” moment. I have been in management for over 20 years, the last thing I am looking for is an attractive person with Tweets and Facebook postings to monitor to see if they fit my moral high-ground AND teach them how to do their job. A manager is supposed to hire based on qualifications, fit in the culture of the company and ability to hit the ground running.The process this expert was defining was more of a description of someone shopping for a new best friend with common interests, rather than a skilled individual.
And, all the people who consider themselves “very attractive” and are in love with their photo on LinkedIn, guess what? How many times do you think you are being passed on for being too attractive? Lots and lots! Think about who is hiring, who is looking at your picture. Is an attractive female going to be selected to work with a cat pool of other women? Or for a top executive with a wife? Not happening.
What about bringing an attractive male into an office that is predominantly made up of women? The hiring manager would get the boot for hiring him, as he will be nothing but a flirt magnet causing a distraction in the office.
Let me illustrate how your picture could kill your opportunities per Social Media experts:
LinkedIn Profile Picture: 8 seconds to Judgement
Your Intention: To portray yourself as a serious professional.
Intimidating, possible hostile temperament.
Result: Move to trash pile.
Your Intention: To portray yourself as a professional that believes pride in appearance and qualifications are equally important.
Well-dressed, conscientious professional
Result: Email to set up an interview.
Your Intention: To portray yourself as a professional with an upbeat personality, with great eye contact.
Straight-shooter would garner trust easily with clients.
Result: Email to set up an interview.
Your Intention: To portray yourself as a professional with an even demeanor
Pleasant personality, not a diva, will fit well with the other woman on staff.
Result: Email to set up an interview.
Your Intention: Humor/Prank
Glutton that will bring donuts in every morning and constantly be eating at her desk.
Fun Fact: This is the same gal above picked for an interview based on looking well-dressed and conscientious for LinkedIn Profile.
Your Intention: Humor / Showing off Halloween costume.
Party Animal, possible drunk, will encourage co-workers to leave work early for happy hour.
Fun Fact: This is the same guy whose LinkedIn picture above was passed on by the recruiter for looking too intimidating an angry guy.
Your Intention: Humor / Showing off Halloween costume.
Possible cross-dresser could cause problems with our conservative clientele.
Fun Fact: This is the same guy whose LinkedIn picture above was selected for an interview for looking like a straight-shooter that would garner trust with clients.
Your Intention: Show your Friends your great new coat.
Diva, possibly too perky, and probably an office gossip. Will not fit well with other women in the office.
Fun Fact: This is the same gal picked to interview from a LinkedIn picture as appearing to be a perfect fit to work with the other women in the office.
The point of this picture illustration is to show that how a picture is interpreted is all in the eyes of the beholder. The adage that you can’t judge a book by its cover is as true today as it was when first said. Don’t let LinkedIn control your life, your future.
I understand Carly Simon is trying to resurrect her career. I see a perfect opportunity for her connect with LinkedIn to have her song,” You’re So Vain” be the background music while you are on the site.
It does appear it has become a gigantic database for lazy recruiters trying to cherry pick job candidates. Do you want your entire life judged by a picture?
Remember, it can be the best picture ever, in your mind. You don’t know the biases of the person looking at it. LinkedIn is costing you the ability to get an interview based on your skills and education, and the ability to sell yourself once you get in the door.
I say BAN Linkedin.
The TLC reality show, Sister Wives, a depiction of a “plural family” that consists of one husband, four wives, and nineteen children has created a phenomenon that has split women viewers by age group in their approval vs. disapproval of plural marriages. What is fascinating is that their opinion will be mercurial, the same woman that disapproves of plural marriage while between the ages of 18 – 30, will approve when between the ages of 31-50.
Why will they have a change of heart? Wisdom that comes from age.
When you are young, the thought of sharing your man is repellent. But, after having kids and becoming a working mom, to have a couple other wives to help you out is very enticing.
Think about how the daily schedule of the average woman:
1. Works an 8 hour day.
2. Get kids get to school and schedules after school activities.
3. Cooks or procures dinner for the family.
4. Does laundry.
5. Handle daily emergencies, kids that are sick, doctor appointments.
6. Gym or home exercise routine.
7. Spend time with kids between dinner and bedtime.
8. Sex with hubby ( if able to stay awake )
It’s exhausting just reading the schedule of the average woman’s day, let alone having to live it. Weekends usually consist of a date night with the hubby where you listen to him complain about not having enough sex, and he pretends to listen as you complain about having all the responsibility of taking care of the kids. Sunday is saved for cleaning the house, shopping for food, and paying bills.
Imagine how this list would change if you had sister wives.
A. In-house support system i.e. another wife or two to call to help out with emergencies with the kids, to talk to night or day who understands everything about your life is less expensive than an on-call therapist.
B. Having someone to take your husband’s sexual load off your back. Let’s face it after the bloom is off the honeymoon, most woman can go with once a month quite happily.
C. If you love children, you share the joy and love of being part of a huge family. Your kids have daily access to your sister wives to help with their emotional needs when you can’t be there for them, which is the best part of all.
D. Help with running errands, grocery shopping and taking care of kids daily activities.
So, based on all of the above, think of how little your life in direct connection with your husband would change. In a normal marriage, you at best see him on the weekends with one on one attention limited to your scheduled date night. You would still have that, but your daily life would change dramatically with all the benefits you get from your sister wives.
Now it is not all rosy; there are complex issues to be worked out. The Brown family on the Sister Wives show set their family structure to pool all money earned and divide it out per wife and by how many children each wife has. One wife keeps track of the finances, and each wife also gets their personal allowance and their home.
Each plural family sets their structure. Some families share one home, sometimes only the husband works outside of the home.
There are two key factors in deciding if this is a way of life you could handle. Can you be emotionally unpossessive of your husband? Would you be able to be generous with the money you earn? Because you might not all have the same number of children, and with all money being pooled, it means you are supporting another wives kids. Also, normally one wife is the legal wife, and the others are “spiritual wives”. Would you be happy being a “spiritual wife”? There is also the issue of how to handle filing taxes and paying them to be considered.
All in all, it is a truly tempting lifestyle.
My curious question is how does a plural marriage survive once the participants reach their senior years? I imagine the husband must feel like the star of “The Hunted” because as we know, the female sex drive goes into hyper mode when they hit their sixties.
How to manage a Millennial? Seriously, how do you as a Baby Boomer manage a Millennial and survive until you reach retirement age in the workplace? The simplistic truth is the answer lies in bringing your weakest parenting skills to work each day and to learn their lingo. A trip to your doctor to get on blood pressure medicine will be in order as well, and start interviewing therapists as you will need one until you are acclimated into supervising Millennials.
Thanks to Generation X (actual parents of Millennials) you have inherited the duties of coddling and pampering their progeny with a smile on your face and a daily affirmation of how great they are.
When you are discussing a project with them, and they are looking at a Snap Chat video message they just received on their phone. Don’t get upset, patiently wait until they are done re-posting it to all their friends. This is social media networking, throw in a compliment at how tech savvy they are.
In the old days, if you noticed an employee on the phone all the time you would have a chat with them about using the phone for personal business during their breaks only. But, with a Millennial, you will compliment them on their ability to multi-task.
While the Generation X employee demands autonomy to get their work done, and will also refuse to accept blame for failure, Millennials have proved to be smarter in this area. They insist in working in collaborative teams, to increase their chances to be saved from blame. There is usually one person they have deliberately picked to be on the team for the sole purpose of being the fall guy if things to wrong.
A Millennial is big on saving the environment, most specifically trees. They will sell the entire company on going paperless, without a clear understanding that to go paperless there is still paper involved. The company has vendors that are not paperless and will be mailing invoices for payment; that will need to be scanned to be saved electronically and sent to supervisors for approval. Don’t ask a Millennial to scan the document, they will insist it is below their pay grade. They will suggest hiring a semi-retired person, or steal a Walmart greeter for that type of work.
Also, to not put a Millennial in an embarrassing situation, you need to make all the company employee contracts, new hire paperwork and insurance documents, electronic with the ability for them to apply their signature digitally, as they never learned how to write in cursive.
Where you used to be able to trust an employee to follow the due dates for their work product, with a Millennial you will need to check in with them frequently to keep them focused on their deadlines. Their personal lives and activities are their priority, and being a good work parent you will accept this and do your best to be flexible with their needs.
Until you reach retirement age, count on endless overtime as you will be filling in i.e. carrying your Millennials, who will use every ounce of vacation, sick time, and take time off without pay to maximize their personal lives.
Understanding the lingo of a Millennial is key, if you don’t learn it, you will be certifiable in a very short time.
For instance, if a Millennial says to you, “You slay me,” this doesn’t mean they are going to report you to Human Resources for trying to kill them. It is a compliment, their way of saying you are at the top of your game.
If you are leaving the room and a Millennial says, “Bye, Felicia,” they didn’t forget your name. It is their way of disrespecting you, letting people in the room know they don’t care about you.
When asking for status on a report, if the Millennial replies, “Well, the struggle is real.”, he is not quoting words in the report; he is letting you know he is totally stuck and needs help with the report.
What to you do when you have outlined in detail a project you need them to complete, and they respond by saying, “I can’t even.”? This slang expression doesn’t mean they are not capable of doing the job. It means they don’t want to do it. In a different day and time, this would have been grounds for writing an employee up for insubordination. But, with a Millennial you will coddle and cajole them into thinking it is a good idea, and let them build a team to help get the project done.
If you ask them how a meeting went that you requested they attend, and they say, “I had to dipset that meeting.” It means they left because they felt it was lame. So, what do you do? Use their lingo, compliment them on utilizing their time well, but explain you needed the white papers they were supposed to get at that meeting, and you are a “Hundo P” (their lingo for 100%) sure they will find a way to get them to you.
The good news is Millennials are efficient multi-taskers, a brilliant generation with a good sense of fun and community.
The bad news is while the generation is loyal to friends, they are not loyal to their workplace. They want to be given all the training and education offered on the job, but they won’t stay around long enough for the company to benefit from it.
But, let us wrap with even better news, you will be retired hopefully before the arrival of the iGen generation to the workplace. They are going to rock the workplace and the marketplace and do it all while using their phones for everything but talking.
There is no question the best reality T.V. right now is the Republican and Democratic Debates. The Republican debates have the bonus of bringing comedy in its purest form to the small screen. Jeb Bush at the very least should win an Emmy for his authentic portrayal of a man losing his lifelong dream. Jeb Bush believed he would be a front-runner for the Republican Primary, and instead finds himself possibly losing to front-runners Donald Trump or Ben Carson. Following Jeb in the debates, you find yourself torn between laughing and feeling incredible pity for him. His facial expressions and body language range from absolute confusion and anger that he is in the insane position of fighting two men who have zero political savvy or knowledge of how to run a state or a country in comparison to him. You can see the battle for control of himself in his eyes; he just wants to jump up and down and scream.
All of the candidates are clear in their fear of Hillary Clinton. Instead of focusing their time in talking about their plans for the country, they are to Hillary’s delight spending major airtime talking about her.
What is the basis of their fear of Hillary?
Let us look at the definition of fear: An anxious feeling caused by our anticipation of some imagined event or experience.
In other words, Hillary’s competition see her as the winner of the Presidential Race. If they think she is the best, we know who to give our vote to. Go Hillary!
As we watch, the death toll continues to grow in France as they try to assess the multiple terrorist attacks they have been besieged with today. Horror is the only word to describe the faces of Parisian citizens as this day unfolds. One can only assume it was with deliberate intent the terrorists chose Friday the 13th, a symbol of terror to commit these attacks. While the whole world empathizes with them, we can’t help but think are we next? As a US citizen, it seems a new item to be terrified of is created every day.
- Flying ( fear of bombers )
- Promises of the “big one” i.e. earthquake
- Cruises ( pirates on the loose )
- Random tornadoes in states they never landed in before
- Going to the movies ( nutjobs with guns )
- Going to the mall ( more nutjobs with guns )
- Flooding in areas, it never happened before
And now we will be in fear of going to restaurants, and concerts if these terrorists are not blown off the face of the earth. Little by little the things that brought us joy are being eliminated from our lives and replaced with fear based living.
Volkswagen ( German carmaker ) has offered amnesty to whistleblowers who come forward with information about its cheating on the diesel emissions test. This is a double-edged sword for Volkswagen employees, and it comes with a deadline of November 30th, 2015. The amnesty being offered protects them from being dismissed, but states they could be transferred to other duties. An employee should come forward if they think they could be implicated i.e. be made to take the fall. But, If they have information that is not provable via a printed document they should keep their mouth shut. It never pays to be a whistleblower. If you think the 15 minutes of fame, having your name associated with a historical case is exciting, think again. What it will be is a dark cloud over your head for the rest of your career. What you need to think about is a future employer entering your name in a search on Google. A whistleblower is not someone they will want to add to their payroll, no matter what or why you blew the whistle. The U.S. has a federal whistleblower protection act, that is meant to protect employees and executives, but any former whistleblower will tell you it is better off to leave a job then blow the whistle. When an employee blows the whistle, the company goes into immediate protection mode. The company’s board selects a committee to investigate, and the investigation 99% of the time results in the employee being told their claims were “unfounded” and they end up on the unemployment line under a “voluntary resignation” agreement with their former employer. If their claims were against an individual, within a few weeks to few months, that person would have “resigned for personal reasons”. The legal department of the company will figure out a way to tie everything up in a pretty bow to keep the company free of scandal. These employees who were trying to “do right” are forever labeled “the whistleblower” and ostracized by potential future employers.
As a child, you are told not to tattle, as an adult not to whistleblow – somethings never change. But, as an adult you have the ability to think creatively. There are ways to get your message out, without it being tied to you. Think smart, and carry-on.